I spent the longest time just lying in bed thinking today. I've been so busy with so much rubbish I haven't had very much me time lately. Anyway, I've been reflecting a lot. Like I think especially on my secondary school days.

You know how they say whatever's done is done and we should all just learn to move on. I think move to the next thing we might, but somehow we end up dragging everything along with us for the ride. I'm the first one to admit it, I've done a lot of things I'm not especially proud of. My friends now would never believe the person I was a couple of years back. I know this should come from me when I'm like thirty and thinking of my teenage years, but I think somehow in the last 2 years or so, I did more growing up then the rest of my years combined.

I really wish I could take everything back. Like go back in time and change it all. Like enjoy being 14, instead of trying so hard to be 21. I think the hardest lesson IJ taught me was you can't ever really trust anyone. At least not a bunch of teenage girls. I'm way closer to my IJ friends now then I ever was back then. Maybe with the possible exception of Punitha, who I've always had this really special bond with. But like Jenn and Kat, I think I know them now better than I did then. Thank God, because they're more or less quite unaware of what I used to be, or what I still sometimes am.

Its strange for me, going to school everyday now, being the good girl, sucking up to teachers for the fucking SGC(though I can't much be bothered anymore), and worrying about being late every morning. Its strange cause I've never been this like good girl ever. I see what my SR friends and classmates consider 'bad behaviour' and its just so ridiculous. Everyone's so sheltered, so blissfully unaware of life. I don't get how people live their lives following every single rule. Doing their homework dilligently every day, staying at home on weekends to mug. Its fucking crazy. A week of that and I'd commit suicide.


My friends have told me I've mellowed out. Drastically. I'm like this completely different person most of the time now, though you do catch glimpses here and there. Bitch got quite shocked today when I called some random guy a fucker. See what I mean? Absolutely ridiculous. In IJ I never minded much being by myself and whatever, cause school was just something you went to for a couple of hours a day. Once you got out of there you went and found your real friends and had your fun. Though I'll concede, every relationship I ever had during the period was completely fucked up. Now though, I spend so much of my time in school. I'm around people I feel completely uncomfortable with most of my days now. I mean of course there's Bitch lah but I mean everyone else. I worry about handing in assignments late, I worry about missing lessons. I worry about flunking now when I've always been the effortless above average student. I now worry about things I've never ever worried about before.


I'm considering making this blog private. Then I can really blog without using euphemisms for everything. I'm tired of being so vague. Its so draining and there's just no sense of accomplishment at the end of it. I think its really about time I stopped hoping for someone to come rescue me from this mess and get out of it by myself. Now all I need is a few more days every week, a few more hours to each day, and a few more pencilled in notes by the side of all my lecture materials and probably a lot more working brain cells. Abso-fucking-lutely great.